Yesterday afternoon my mom and I met for a little post-holiday pampering (read as, time to use those holiday gift cards!!). I’ve always said if I had infinite funds I’d love to be one of those ‘spa girls’ who bi-weekly treats herself to a massage/facial/mani/pedi etc…but now I’m not so sure. I’ve decided those spa girls take their relaxation a little toooo seriously for me. Here’s how it all went down.
The Meet Up
Me: Hey Mom! Are you excited about our spa day?
Mom: Yeaaaah, it’ll be fun.
Me: It will be!….but…it’s kind of weird too, right?…Like being in a dimly lit room with a perfect stranger’s hands all over you???
Mom: I know! Do you know how long it took me to get ready for this appointment? I had to shave and give myself a pedicure!
Me: O my gosh, me too!! I exfoliated and lotioned up all morning! It was very stressful…
At this point we’re put into this “quiet” holding area to fill out forms with all sorts of strange questions. I felt like we were in middle school cheating on a test.
Me: Psssttt…What are you putting for how much water you drink?
Mom: Psssst….I don’t know, what are you putting for where you hold the most stress??
Me: I don’t know! What are you putting for places your don’t want massaged???
So we do the best we can to fill out the form, and grab some mints from the candy dish.
The Locker Room
Time to get our robes and sandals! We go into the locker room and get a quick tutorial of where everything is, “Here’s the steam room, here’s the showers, here’s where you can grab an extra towel…” We change into our spa finest and check out the place.
Me: Oooo, cool cucumber and lavender infused wash cloths. (I pull one out of the iced bowl)
Mom: Oooo, how nice. (She pulls one too. We both look at the wash cloths and then at each other)
At the same time: What do you do with it? (laughter)
We decided to just wash our hands since we didn’t want to take off our makeup. Works for us! Then, as I realize the locker room is empty, I decided to grab my camera!!!
Now, I swear we are not the Clampetts and that we do get out often, but you wouldn’t have known it as we played with the cucumber slices and took pictures of ourselves in the mirror. Ala these and the one above:
Ok, this is the part where I almost lost it. I don’t do well in places where there’s no talking allowed! We walk into the tranquility room – picture dimly lit, nature music playing, candles flickering, an assortment of herbal teas and flavored water…O, and women in robes lying around on comfy lounges.
Things started out well. We walked in like tranquility room pros, grabbed some cucumber water and made ourselves comfortable. But I couldn’t find my place of zen because all I was thinking about was how bizarre this was. A room full of strangers all trying to get their relaxation on. And then a door will open, and someone’s name gets called, and you leave the tranquility room. It was all very “A Brave New World” to me. And when I looked at my mom, I could tell she was having a hard time relaxing too because she was checking out the wallpaper, the floor boards, the textiles etc… – apparently mentally preparing to design a tranquility room of her own.
Then my mom gets up to go back into the locker room, and the second she leaves, “the door” opens and in walks….A MAN! It caught me off guard because I wasn’t thinking this tranquility room was co-ed! And then, of course, he decides to plop his big butt into the space formerly occupied by my mother. When my mom walked back in she realized her seat had been usurped and quickly took a seat across the room from me.
At this point, I could feel the giggles coming on. This whole thing was just TOO bizarre. And when I looked up at my mom, our eyes met, and I lost it. I had to look down and cover my mouth because I had spun into one of those uncontrollable fits of laughter. I held my breath to keep the sounds from escaping but it took me a good minute or two to compose myself.
I wonder if anyone has ever had to be removed from the tranquility room?
Massage Time Baby
Finally! My name is called!
Masseuse: Diana…. Diana…
I get up and walk out the door
Masseuse: Hi, I’m Gloria.
Me: Hi, Diana…o…wait, you know that. (Doh, I’m such a dork.)
I follow her down the hall and we get this show on the road.
Masseuse: So where do you hold your tension.
Me: (I’m face down on the table at this point so in essence talking to the floor) Umm… I don’t really know. (Isn’t that your job to figure out, lady?)
Masseuse: Is this as relaxed as you can get?
Me: Ummm…I…guess…so (What the heck kind of question is that? Guess I should have taken the tranquility room a little more seriously.)
Masseuse: You just seem a little uptight.
Me: Ohhh, ok. (O, ok, so call me uptight and that’s supposed to make me relax?)
Fast forward 60 minutes later and the massage is over. My mom and I meet up in the tranquility room, enjoy a little more cucumber water and then we’re on our way! Outside of the spa:
Mom: Did your person massage your head??
Me: A little. Not much.
Mom: I told my person not too because I didn’t want my hair to be greasy.
Me: Did your person massage your butt???
Mom: MY BUTT?! No!! Did yours?!
We fall into a fit of laughter!!!
I guess when the initial form said “Is there anywhere you don’t want massaged” I should have thought a little harder about it 😉